The Right Kind of Noise

Maybe you're just missing the right kind of noise.

As a mom, I'm used to always needing to keep an ear out for something. So headphones and loud music have largely been a no-go for nearly 13 years.

When the boys are with their dad, I'm usually at work, or so worn out from work that the last thing I want is noise. "We're overstimulated" is a phrase that's used so often that I think the word has lost all meaning.

I also live in an apartment with paper thin walls, so I try to be considerate and never have any devices over normal speaking volume (even if my neighbors don't return that kindness...)

I'm trying to get hyped up and clean the apt before an evening away. The boys aren't here tonight. I put on headphones and start vacuuming. The lyrics are barely loud enough to be heard over the drone of the machine.

Force of habit. Have to be quiet. Have to be on the alert.

I went to a concert 5 days ago, and getting to feel every note reverberate through my chest and every molecule in my body made me feel alive again, for a shining day or two.

These are pricey AF Razer headphones. Beasts have bass and good clarity. I literally stood stock still and closed my eyes, and gradually cranked the volume knob higher and higher. Went slowly enough that it wasn't even bothering me when it gave me the "danger of hearing loss past this point" beep.

Gave it a minute and decided around 75% is the sweet spot for me. And now I'm hearing all these layers and minute sounds in songs that I haven't noticed in years, because life has become so quiet. So still.

(Don't take up space, don't make noise. Just blend in and everything will be fine.)

Until it's not fine anymore. And you realize that those constant commands from all corners of socmed and media in general, to be still and shrink and not disturb anything, are sucking what tiny slivers of joy life used to hold from you.

So now I'm sitting here, taking a minute to pull myself together, because feeling the bass from these headphones and having the sound obliterate everything else is literally making me sob as I'm listening to a Stray Kids song that isn't even sad.

The happy chemicals from louder than life music in my ears outdo anything that doomscrolling ever can. So... maybe you're not overstimulated. Maybe you're just exhausted from always having to be quiet for the comfort of a society that largely pretends you don't exist, anyway. Maybe you just need the right kind of noise.

Make art. Make music. Make your own clothing. Make food. Make friends. Write poems. Write books. Be loud. Laugh fearlessly. Let the Universe know that you're here, and you're still alive.

Existence isn't meant to be quiet like the grave, and I'm done behaving like that's how it has to be.